xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
