Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
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