i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
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