I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
