take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
