The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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