I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
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