If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Randomize
