Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
