i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
Randomize
