forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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