he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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