Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
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