Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Randomize
