The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I woke up under a house in Key West
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