Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
