Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
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