I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Randomize
