Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
This is my gift to your gina
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
