I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
