yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
