i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
try to milk me bitch
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