your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
