he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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