Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
