when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
two words: eviction party
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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