I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
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