i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
