Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
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