My first STD was from a foam party
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
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