I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
