either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Randomize
