One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Randomize
