piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
