I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
