did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
