I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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