Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
