She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
