Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
