The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
