i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
