if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
