he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
