I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
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