just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Randomize
