i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
