I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Pregnant stripper...not hot.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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