On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Randomize
