I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
