My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
being pregnant is like rehab
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
